long hair-spiration

Ugh. Growing out hair is a real pain (and involves lots of looking at old pictures on my blog and weeping). I regressed a little bit last week when The Great Gatsby trailer came out and I thought, "Look! Look at all that cute 20s style short hair. I need a bob/pixie/chop chop soon." But I've been trying to look at pictures of pretty buns and braids and tressed-out ladies in order to keep my resolve strong.

AMERICA!

 

WISH ME LUCK ON MY INTERVIEW.

And don't mind the fact that I've apparently turned into a black-eyed creature from your worst horror movie nightmares. Ugh. What is that?! I'm creeping MYSELF out.

ooh! excited! :)

horribly long day at work, on top of some good ole fashioned PMS.

kyle brought me my favorite wine, white tulips, and a bar of chocolate though, so it's not ALL bad. :)

leaving for work at 7:30 a.m. and getting home from work 7:30 p.m. is quite unpleasant.

12 HOUR WORKDAYS, YOU ARE NOT FOR ME.

so. much. love.

 

Karina and Godard: the loveliest, Frenchiest couple. 

On an overcast day like today, all I want to do is watch French movies, eat cookies and drink tea. Instead I'm at work slavin' away in the usual corporate way. LE SIGH. 

UGH THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL I'M WEEPING.

$2 skirts and other thrifting treasures!

bridalplasty is the most depressing show in the whole wide world.

why am I still watching this?!?!

happy happy memorial day from teresa and dugg!

file under movies i want to watch but am too chicken to, so maybe i'll see them when they come out on dvd or something:

I am the tiredest.

How did we ever pull all-nighters in college?

AM I OLD NOW?

Questions for another day...

 

This is my "running on 3 hours of sleep and I didn't have time to wash my hair" look. BLARGH. Happy Friday, Internet babies! 

 

I misjudged how much time this would take, blech.

I estimate another 1-1.5 hours if I'm lucky.

Boy, waking up at 7 in the morning and having to drag myself in to work is going to be a REAL TREAT. 

shutting off my Internetz in 3-2-1...

to come back online at 11 p.m. exactly.

that's the price to pay when you're on a deadline! all my Internet needs can wait until then... right?

 

A bit of that late night studying/working college attitude showing through.

I GOT THIS, GUYS. Just, ya know, like 20 pages left or something equally horrendous.

Current goal: complete module submitted by midnight. 

Get it, got it, done. 

the most dreamy paris elopement :)

I HAVE SWITCHED FROM CONTACTS TO GLASSES FOR THE NIGHT AND THUS IT HAS BEEN DECREED THAT TONIGHT WILL INDEED BE A VERY LONG NIGHT.

also, let it be known that i have a really weird side profile. okthanks.

another night, another deadline:

last minute cramming... isn't this how i've always worked best?

my current goal in life is to be this cute:

I think the most amazing thing about "Call Me Maybe" is just how excited I get when it comes on the radio (ESPECIALLY WHEN I'M IN THE CAR ALONE, THEN THERE IS NO SHAME)... and the other amazing thing is that the girl is actually OLDER than me. I kind of grouped her in the whole Selena Gomez, etc. category.

so yea, I've just been watching "The Great Gatsby" trailer here on repeat for a while now. SO MUCH SASS. AND LEO. AND GLITZ. AND BROODING.AND THE BEAUTIFUL CAREY MULLIGAN.

if you couldn't tell, i'm actually really excited.

Gus has found a new place to hide.

And it's under my maxi skirt when I'm sitting down. WHAT A SILLY BUNNY.

things i am thinking about right now in no particular order:

• how yummy moscato is!
• how many hours i probably have to put in tonight/tomorrow night. (imagine it as a final! then it's less painful) 
• where i would be in life without coffee (spoiler: nowhere good) 
• taylor swift's bangs 
• whether you're supposed to wear more or less make-up than you usually do for interviews
• dance parties, dance parties... how i wish i were still taking dance classes!
• book club 
• deadlines. oh god, the deadlines
• how much i could use a vacation/spa day/little reprieve from everything 
• how good sleep would probably feel
• but... the deadlines 

 

Being a little pouty from the wine (and from the impending deadlines).

But I am quite pleased with the way my interview went today, and am keeping my fingers crossed for eventual good news! 

I feel relatively calm and confident when I go into in-person interviews, but phone interviews always get me all tensed up and nervous. I think it's not being able to see the person (and their reactions), and having to deal with "uncomfortable" silences as you formulate an answer that really gets to me.

Does anyone have tips for how to get through a phone interview while sounding competent and friendly? I know I tend to ramble through things - and I'm always paranoid that folks can hear how nervous I am in my voice, so any tips would be extra, extra appreciated.

Especially if I get them by 12:30 tomorrow, haha.

Excited to try Bumble tonight with the lovely Miss Kristen Judd...

 

It looks like a perfectly adorable place to get some writing, reading, and most importantly, girl-time in!  :)

I don't really care that this dress is 8 years old and was purchased from Forever 21. 

IT'S WARM WEATHER AT LAST, GUYS!

Excuse me while I do a happy spring dance and then race off to work.

note to self:

perusing food blogs before bed (when there are no, say, lobster rolls or cheeseburgers in the fridge) will only bring deep sorrow.

WHERE THE SANDWICHES AT?! :(

It's a Lee's coffee kind of Friday:

"You don't have anything sharp on you that I could stick myself with, do you?"
"No?"
"Good. 'Cause I do."

My god this looks/sounds horrible and awkward in so many ways. The amount of bad sexual innuendos in the trailer alone...

Sadly, there's a high likelihood that I will end up watching this.

I've been listening a lot to JayMay. Such pretty songs!
The one below reminds me of a certain Miss Annie Wang <3. 

Whoa. Prometheus (the film starring Michael Fassbender as a creepy robot) looks even MORE unbelievably amazing now that I know it includes one of its characters giving a FREAKING TED TALK. Amazing amazing, I simply cannot wait to watch.

the madewell fall lookbook is killing me softly:

It's decided. I'll have messy long, bangless hair by the fall and some killer specs (I get new glasses in October!). GIRLS YOU'RE KILLING ME. I WANT ALL THE CLOTHES.

My bangs are finally long enough to stay out of my face sans the use of bobby pins or headbands. I don't know if this has ever happened in my LIFE.

windswept

 

fun fact: i really really freakin' hate fans

Fang Bing Bing is my current sartorial obsession. GIRL WHO IS YOUR STYLIST. I WANT TO LOOK JUST LIKE THAT.

true life:

I have found something more socially unacceptable than being a crazy dog/cat lady.

BEING A CRAZY RABBIT LADY.

I'm still really giddy about the end of How I Met Your Mother last night. Just FYI. Lots of feelings! Lots of fan-girling. I need to watch a musical or something. Or maybe just Glee. I also had a dream that I was in high school (in uniform) and met The Warblers in Glee and THEY were all in uniform and it was like, the most exciting thing ever.

I am a dork. 

WHY AM I SO SLEEPY?

Oh right. It's because I stayed up to watch the season finale of How I Met Your Mother... and didn't get any work done. LE SIGH. Get on it, girl. However, that finale was like, what? What?! So many things happening! What a wonderful reveal. I KNEW IT.

;kajflfjw;ofe

I am incomprehensible. Forgive me.

short hair diaries:

this is playing where I am at, yes yes yes.

coffeehouse thoughts:

 

As I write this, I am tucked away in a coffee shop, enjoying my desserts and hot drink. I have my laptop, my book, and my favorite purse with me. I have my hair tied up in the tiniest and most ridiculous ponytail and I am anticipating payday tomorrow. There are a great deal of beautiful things happening in my life right now, a great deal of small miracles that startle and delight me every day. There's the sensation of sea mist; there is a small rabbit whom I love more than any rodent in the world. There are piles of books that are mine, all mine. There are words to be written, a job to go to, and people to love. 

And yet... lately I've been dealing with the overwhelming sensation that this is not enough. That all that I'm doing is spinning my wheels without a clear end in sight. It's a frightening feeling, and one that's made me feel more lost and alone than I have in a long time. This is not a stab at melodrama. I am trying to convey the sense of feeling like I'm doing too much and too little at the same time. If I were to be flippant, I would absolutely catalog this as my "quarter-life crisis." I cry easily. I find myself paralyzed by the idea of making anything (anything at all) happen because I do not yet know what I want out of life. I am terrified by the idea of moving forward without knowing what the end goal is, but I'm even more terrified of potential stagnation. In essence, I feel stuck. 

This is a very odd time and I know that a lot of people I know are going through the same vacillations of mind and heart. I have an endless to-do list and I don't know how to prioritize it; I don't even know where to start. There is the endless platitude that your life is what you make of it, and I am sick of thinking that and feeling guilty that my life is not what I ideally wanted, that somehow I've fallen short of "making it." 

When asked lately, I've just murmured something offhandedly about "being in a funk." I have been in a funk, and I am currently trying to work at it and find happiness without this paralyzing fear that has appeared in my life. And so the wheels keep turning, and I truly do hope that I will find myself at a place that makes sense to me. 

summer please be kind,
these days I feel buried under sleet and rain,
my tired limbs wet and limpid
with months of disuse.
how have I spent all these months
watching the rain, my thoughts moving
as though through dark, salted waters?
I want nothing but clarity, light, and warmth
so summer please. 

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us..."

Yum, give me some of that Dickens anaphora.

I miss reading the classics. You know what that means? IF IT FEELS RIGHT, DO IT. After all, that GRE isn't going to study for itself.

Oh my goodness I am drowning in so many tasks. Wish me all the luck in the world, Internet friends.

note to self: you may think that you are capable of walking in heels, but before you get into the car for that half hour commute, be sure that you can drive in them too.

gah i'm going home to my parents' house during my lunch break to pick up a pair of flats for the road!

summer shoes:

guess what guilty pleasure Katy Perry song I'm listening to/watching the music video for on repeat right now?

Ugh why do I love this song so much? 

Now I have the unbearable need to go rewatch "Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights" or, given their outfits right there, "Grease." 

Also, look at that jolly blurred out woman in baby blue dancing in the back! She's having the time of her life, baby.

I MISS MY LONGER HAIR:

In case anyone is wondering about the rash of early Saturday morning blog posts, I am simply procrastinating whilst up... DEADLINE DEADLINE DEADLINE. I'm supposed to be writing some stuff before we go on our family trip to San Luis Obispo.

Also I needed reasons why I shouldn't cut my hair just yet. Argh, the growing out process is the absolute worst.

Teaching Gus how to use the webcam was more difficult than I anticipated:

This NYT article, "Can You Call a 9-Year-Old a Psychopath?" is right up my alley. This quote truly sounded like a scene out of a horror movie to me:

"Paul Frick, a psychologist at the University of New Orleans who has studied risk factors for psychopathy in children for two decades, described one boy who used a knife to cut off the tail of the family cat bit by bit, over a period of weeks. The boy was proud of the serial amputations, which his parents initially failed to notice. “When we talked about it, he was very straightforward,” Frick recalls. “He said: ‘I want to be a scientist, and I was experimenting. I wanted to see how the cat would react.’ ”

HOW CREEPY IS THAT? WHAT AN AMAZING ARTICLE! 

Which I suppose says a lot about my interests, but whatever. Read it, enjoy it, and go brush up on your knowledge of child killers. It's utterly fascinating.

poem 2 

In a story, a girl disappears with nothing but a changed hair color.
How would it feel, slipping into the crowd, with a crown catching
the light in a different way - all the same limbs, the same lash in my eye.
Some days, I want to soak my head in red and purple,
emerge a fish of different scales.

my friday afternoon:

• slooooowly getting through the first round of edits for "A Scratch at the Door" (my nanowrimo novel) and filling in patches and any plot holes. the goal is to get it in relatively good condition and at around 80K words. right now i'm at 60K (up from about 57K a few days ago). i think it's doable, just extraordinarily time-consuming and tedious. BUT FULFILLING. RIGHT? FELLOW WRITERS? FULFILLING? 
• "happy hour" at starbucks is insaniiiity. it took me about half an hour to get my frappuchino and now i have a big fat stomachache. go figure. i deserved it for drinking all that dairy. 
• did i mention that i had a breakfast burrito from la vic's this morning? i'm not eating my feelings; i'm just eating my boredom. 
• why are friday afternoons always so goshdarn interminable? 
• i cannot wait i cannot wait i cannot wait to see my brother for mother's day festivities. it's been too long and whether i like to admit it or not, life ain't the same without your sibling(s) around. 
• i am STILL jonesing for a trip, though i don't know if that will happen. i will settle for a nice daycation somewhere local, preferably by the water and with a book (and sunscreen) in my bag. hopefully that'll happen soon.
• it's always strange to contemplate mortality, but much stranger when you are contemplating it on behalf of some imaginary characters (hey novel!) and listening to "the exorcist" station on pandora at the same time. mood music = scares me for life. also, no, i've never actually seen the movie and i certainly don't plan on it.

oh someone synchronized dance with me, please!

me at 7 a.m. before work:

BIG BANGS AND COFFEE.

Most of the perkiness has worn off by mid-afternoon.

Best of luck to Against Me! singer Tom Gabel, who is now known as Laura Gabel:

 Anxiety, anxiety you give me no mercy
Grind my teeth smooth and flat in my sleep

Confessions:

1. Some days I think my favorite hobby is apartment hunting. Or rather, looking at apartments on the Internetz and imagining how I would decorate them. 
2. I listen to the "Glee" station on Pandora far too much. And I get upset when they start slipping in the real versions of the songs instead of their Glee versions. 
3. I'm lactose intolerant and all I want sometimes is a big glass of chocolate milk and a stupid TV show... and a wedge of cheese. 
4.  Sometimes I don't know how to become the person I aspire to be. How to be good? How to be successful and happy and comfortable and interesting and kind? I don't know yet. 
5. I am secretly afraid of many physical changes: wrinkles, pooching, cellulite, any midriff fat that could be considered a muffin top. 
6. I don't follow politics as much as I should. I know that it's important (especially during an election season), but my knowledge may or may not extend past New York Times headlines and what I read in Jezebel. Please do not judge me.

I think those are my confessions for the day. Slow day at work, in case anyone is wondering about the rash of blog posts. 

Read this beautiful story about gay marriage. Or rather, a gay marriage that isn't "officially realized." It's truly a beautiful and heartbreaking and wonderful read:

The wedding was about love, mostly. They were old now, and gray as seashells, and love was one of the only things of which they could be certain.

high school throwback music day. i'm feelin' it all.

And the truth is I've been dreaming of some tired tranquil place
Where the weather won't get trapped inside my bones
And if all these years of searching find one sympathetic face
Then it's there I'll plant my seeds and make my home.

With a question mark always slumped at the end of these awkward lines...

The weather is changing and breaking my stride
(I know, I know, I know)
It's just this day


And the truth is I was just scared for you
But for me that's the way that it comes
You've gotten used to me and my awful tongue
But God, didn't we have some fun?

Sometimes music makes me so utterly nostalgic. Are there any songs/bands that bring you back to your 16-year-old self? 

GOSH DARNIT, COFFEE.

BRB world, I need to go "invest" in a Tide To Go pen right now. I suppose this was a long time coming.

Rule of thumb: coffee is out to ruin any light/pastel colored outfit. Ever. Before 8:30 a.m., preferably. It is not as benevolent a liquid as it has led us all to believe. BE NOT DECEIVED.

 

What in god's name is "Spring Breakers" even going to be? I don't know how I feel about squeaky clean teen queen Selena Gomez sitting next to a sleazed out James Franco, there. 

I'm jonesing for some serious travel. I keep looking up flights and whatnot for "fun." So many cities/national parks/countries, etc. that I have yet to seeeee.

poems bleeding into may:

poem 1 


The blood dries at the corners, first -
wounds closing like mouths, from the edge of lips.
I feel restless once more, this fluttering chest,
the way my eyes fall on strange topographies.
What is this animal need for migration?
Why can I not keep my heels firmly earthed?

Speaking of that song, here it is performed by the Glee kids, whom I love way more than I am comfortable admitting. UGH.

Quinn Fabray, I want every single one of your outfits, ever.

still a favorite when I get too overwhelmed:

Oh be calm.
Be calm.
I know you feel like you are breaking down.
I know that it gets so hard sometimes,
Be calm.
Take it from me, I've been there a thousand times.
You hate your pulse because it thinks you're still alive.



I've heard a lot of people say that "We Are Young" makes them feel so happy - but to me there's always something unbearably sad about it. Not the whole thing, but the beginning kills me:
Now I know that I'm not all that you got.
I guess that I, I just thought maybe we could find new ways to fall apart.

I'm enjoying listening to a murder mystery on audiobook, but it does present some issues when I don't want to get out of my car/can't function all day at work because I just NEED TO KNOW what happens. Currently, I'm listening to "What the Dead Know" by Laura Lippman - the tale of two sisters who go to the mall one day and are abducted, never to be seen again. Thirty years later, a woman comes forward claiming to be the younger of the girls... and so begins the mystery.

It's a decent book - more beach-reading fodder than anything - and the particular reader does leave something to be desired. Kristen J. wisely said that one should rank audiobook readers in the following preference: British woman, British man, American woman, American man. This one has a female American reader, and she can get a little grating when she does accents and (most cringeworthy) tries to sound African American.

But despite all the shortcomings, I still have the "need to know" drive that causes me to race to my car and turn on the radio ASAP each day. I suppose this is why people love crime thrillers, etc. This marks the second book in a row that I've listened to (the first being Julian Fellowes' "Past Imperfect") that rests on the premise of a secret, or mystery, that will not be revealed until the end. It's rather frustrating, really.

At the rate I'm going, I should finish this soon and hopefully will find another equally intriguing listen to keep me entertained on the road. Thank you, San Jose Public Library, for saving me from boredom and agitation while I'm driving each day. 

so this almost made me start bawling at work:

 

My buddy Gus has his first vet check-up tomorrow!

visually: how much space we take up in our cars

As someone with what is considered a true "long commute" (22 miles per way, about), I do desperately wish I could rely on a bus, or even my bike. But alas, a car it is for me! Maybe someday, I shall work/live along a more convenient public transportation line. One can only hope. :/

Editing that fatty novel again. Hello, Exorcist Pandora station, we meet again! Creep creep creep I'm creeped out by my own writing. That's a good sign, right?

true romance:

Baby I'm yours
And I'll be yours until the sun no longer shines
Yours, until the poets run out of rhymes
(In other words, until the end of time)

write when you're drunk, edit when you're sober

To go along with that rule, which I received from some unattributed source of wisdom, I shall indeed start editing my Nanowrimo novel at work, when there is no booze in sight.

Seriously guys, if you're going to berate me for not being present at work for 10 hours a day (when we are all SALARIED with no overtime pay), then I'm going to dedicate a portion of my time to personal projects.

Can't you just feel the professional discontent in the air? Tastes like black licorice. 

 

Drinking wine out of a teacup and listening to the Harry Potter film score(s) because I'm awfully classy when I am doing some late-night writing/editing. 

I've always admired Alexa Chung's ombre hair, but I can't tell if this is one of those things that is cool on her and just, like, UNE GRANDE ERREUR on someone like me.

Let me know if it's a "Hmm, maybe you should try dying that hair, Teresa" or more of a "DEAR GOD DON'T DO IT" response that you're feelin' right now.

on "extremely loud and incredibly close" - the film

I was rather skeptical about watching this film, since the book is absolutely one of my favorites... ever. In terms of novels that really "stick" after you've read them, you can't really go wrong picking up a Jonathan Safran Foer book, and I was afraid that the film would turn a book that touched on 9/11 in a non-gimmicky, sweet, tragic way into something overtly saccharine. I was, in essence, afraid of the stereotypical Hollywood treatment.

I'm happy to report that Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close is an absolutely lovely, tragic film that works its way underneath your skin and leaves you will a pervasive feeling of longing, loss and compassion. It manages to capture the confusion, the wanting to make sense of things, and the desperation of a child who just misses his father. It tackles the themes of family, loss, guilt and 9/11 with as much finesse as I hoped for.

I loved it.

It made me cry.

The end.

 

My new Anne Klein work watch and my grumpy Monday face go hand-in-hand. #badpunmonday

After looking at my blog stats, I guess I should give a shout-out to all my readers (whoever you may be) in the former Soviet Union. SUP RUSSIA.

current allergy routine:

1. Wake up. Take Zyrtec, nasal spray, and do 2 puffs of Qvar to stave off allergy-related asthma. 
2. During the day, repeat nasal spray, sinus rinse, and allergy eye drops as necessary. 
3. Before bed, put in prescription strength eye drops. Sinus rinse. Take Benedryl.

WHY ISN'T THIS WORKING. 

I might be channeling the manic pixie dreamgirl outfit//hair today. DON'T WORRY GUYS, I STILL DISLIKE ZOOEY DESCHANEL AND ALL THAT SHE STANDS FOR. Mainly the zeitgeist flippant hipster who dabbles in all thing (a la James Franco). 

Full disclosure: I still have a real soft spot for Michelle Williams though, but that might just be because she can pull off the pixie haircut in ways I could never hope for. :(

Spending Saturday with my sweetheart doing the following:

• Shopping at Stanford Shopping Center (wheeeee)
• Making enchiladas 
• Drinking sparkling moscato and eating strawberries
• Watching Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy 
• Watching the SUPERMOON! 
• Reading Bel Canto - which I am enjoying immensely
• Eating more food (I hope!) 

 SIGH. I want every day to be like this.  Weekends = you are too necessary.

in a real funk today:

 

Guess I'll put on some bright shoes and try to feel better about life.

Also, I will go buy wine.

You guys... there's a Boiling Crab copycat recipe... and I'm going to make it ASAP!

WORK IS SOOOO BORING.

TGIF, suckers.

a week(ish) of warm weather outfits!

 

... and now it's chilly again. :(